blOgbuefi

writing to know, knowing thru being, being for writing... this is me, writing about the one thing i know, which is myself... and even that is sometimes a mystery...

Sunday, July 31, 2005

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!

since the dissolution of my last relationship, i've gained a new perspective on things. and it's manifesting itself in surprising layers and facets:
i've always told myself i would never let a relationship get in the way of my personal life (which now sounds like an impossibility, as well as a logical fallacy, but really i just mean "personal" as in the life that i have control of... my life, my choices, the stuff i do for myself).
i don't think i could be happy with myself, knowing i had turned into one of those sad, weepy, little girls that define their self-worth and social success by their relationships. i don't know, call me a feminist i guess, but i think that an individual woman is worth more than what she is to a man. and i don't know, call me selfish, but i believe an individual can only satisfy others to a certain extent without losing complete sight of him/herself. i mean, after a while, you just have to stop trying to appease every person that you meet and wants something from you. because after a certain amount of time, you're just going to find out that you had lost yourself in the process and you don't even know who you are, or who you want to be.
so (all of this connects, i promise! just bear with me!), i guess my ideas about love and life finally co-destructed due to recent events. yes, this break-up business sucks. and yes, i find it difficult moving past the constant barrage of thoughts and feelings whenever i'm reminded of the other person. and yes, sometimes, i think that i would do anything to just make things right again so long as i can regain what i had lost. and sometimes i feel like i'm the one to blame, and wish i had done things differently.
i absolutely hate when stuff like this gets to me. i try not to let it, but i'm realizing now: that's just what happens in relationships. you make yourself vulnerable to all the little pains and sorrows that wouldn't penetrate you otherwise. and that's the beauty of it, in the end. you rip yourself open, bear your soul and heart to the open pulsing of world around you, tearing open your wounds and creating new ones so you learn how to breathe and live. it's standing at the edge of a cliff, with the wind swirling around you, threatening to blow you down. but you have to fall in order to soar.
the resulting hole is so easily filled with other things. like being blind, you know, all your other senses pick up the slack so you're fine-tuned to other things you might have missed. i guess i'm just saying it's not all bad. i'm learning to adapt.
and one of the great things i've gained from this is a new appreciation for the film, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. when i first saw it, i actually hated it. in fact, i thought it was unoriginal. but after rewatching it the other day, i realize now the emotional depth of it, the stuff you can't fake with stylistic flourishes. it reminded me of my relationship, but in a positive way, as opposed to a pathetic one. the film is realistic in that respect: it actually portrays relationships in a way that reminds people of the pain and loss, but that juxtaposes that over the joy and pleasure of it all, in a way that reminds us of the close relationship between love and hate, and why we risk the hurt in the first place. so even those moments we regret and wish to forget, those moments that hurt the most to relive, are necessary and integral to the ones we wish to remember and keep, those memories we base all the rest of our lives on.
and this now brings me to a stars song i have learned to appreciate this summer. if you've never heard their stuff, i highly recommend it. it's superb stuff. really.
i'm not sorry i met you.
i'm not sorry it's over.
i'm not sorry there's nothing to save.
--from stars' "your ex-lover is dead"
and with that, i'm moving on. (yes!)
love and hate (and everything in between),
stephanie "o.s." lee

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