blOgbuefi

writing to know, knowing thru being, being for writing... this is me, writing about the one thing i know, which is myself... and even that is sometimes a mystery...

Saturday, January 14, 2006

sometimes i hate myself

i've been confused and feeling bad lately.

i don't know if it's my fault either, which is why i feel so bad, i guess.

the thing is, i have great trouble realizing when i'm "on a date with someone," i guess, because i've been informed on numerous occasions by people other than myself that i am going on a date with someone and i don't realize it until later that it's true.

and i feel bad because i don't intend to "lead anyone on" or give anyone the impression that i'm the least bit interested in them when i'm not, but maybe i have that tendency without knowing it?

maybe i just don't understand what a "date" is because i don't feel like i've ever really been on one, but there again we have the problem: not knowing what a date is, i don't know, and can't know, if i've been on one before.

how do you define a date? is a date just any time a boy/girl, girl/girl, boy/boy go out together and do something? because if that were the case, almost anything could be a date, and i've been on several.

but then why are these things understood to be romantic in nature?

because i don't want to send anyone the wrong message, and i've apparently been guilty of doing so lately, most definitely inadvertently, as i am in no way interested in "dating" anyone right now.

...ugh. i hate myself for even writing this post. look for its deletion in future.

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