blOgbuefi

writing to know, knowing thru being, being for writing... this is me, writing about the one thing i know, which is myself... and even that is sometimes a mystery...

Sunday, February 26, 2006

call me a realist, thank you

so i discovered this weekend that i am quite the pessimist.

ha, go figure.

(i prefer "realist," but whatever.)

after talking to my friend dave and thinking about various relationships i've had with people, i realize:
love's got nothing to do with it.
love doesn't mean anything.
love doesn't change things.

sure it's nice, and i am in love.

but what does that mean?!

the way i see it, love doesn't keep life from happening, and all the circumstances of necessity and duty can't be compromised for love.

i worry that i've fallen in love, and that won't change anything.
because i want it to.
i want to honor the person and the time and the feeling.

but i know that in a few years, i will be graduating and going somewhere else, moving away.
love won't change that.

and i'm not going to compromise my opportunities to be close to the one i love. (should i?)

so then what? is that really it? is that how things end?
you say you love someone
you give your heart away
you give yourself
and then leave the pieces scattered in rooms and memories

can you leave it?
leave it like a place you don't belong to any more?
leave it like an empty room with only memories of the way the walls used to look, now bare and unfamiliar?
can you pack it all away, leave it all behind?

i said i love you, but that won't make either of us stay.

is that really it?
i gave my heart away
and now i'm tripping on it out the door

i don't even know what love means any more. what does love expect from me?

i don't even mean in the traditional, "o we're in love, so let's get married and have lots of kids and a dog and a house in the suburbs" kind of way, but what do you do about love?

when you're this young and wanting to be free and committed, in love but without giving into traditional social ideals, all at once?

what do you do
what do you feel
what do you say
how do you explain
how you feel

about love?

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