writing to know, knowing thru being, being for writing... this is me, writing about the one thing i know, which is myself... and even that is sometimes a mystery...

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

summer book list

so it's kinda early, but i've already begun compiling my summer reading list

why? b/c i've been working really hard this week and the only thing keeping me going is the idea of having a somewhat more lax finals week and then having an amazing summer, filled w/ things i actually want to do and books i actually want to read, such as the following...

stephanie lee's summer reading list '06 (in a particularly nonparticular order):
snow crash -neal stephenson
neuromancer -william gibson
the life and opinions of tristram shandy, gentleman -laurence sterne
invisible cities -italo calvino
a clockwork orange -burgess
who's afraid of virginia woolf -edward albee
one flew over the cuckoo's nest -ken kesey
naked lunch -burroughs
+ richard brautigan

+ poetry
fuck you-aloha-i love you -juliana spahr
the lesbian body -monique wittig

man a machine, man a plant -laplace
of other spaces -foucault
twilight of the idols (again!) -nietszche
sexual politics -wittig

o yay, i am so excited!
b/w this and my internship and lolla, it's going to be one fun, quick, amazing summer


p.s. if any of you would like to recommend something, please do! leave the name of the book, author, and why you think it should be on my already pretty formidable list.

Monday, March 27, 2006

prognosis: negative

received this in the mail today...

Are you half-way through your second year of college and have
no idea
why you are here?
Is it hard to get yourself out of bed in the morning,
because you have no motivation
for what you are doing?
Did you start out thinking you wanted to be a doctor, but now
realize you hate chemistry?

Does it seem like everyone else has direction, but you don't?

Are you suffering from the sophomore slump?

The sophomore slump is not a myth; second year students
across the
country struggle to find motivation in their academic
and personal

Signs that you are struggling with the sophomore slump include
feeling aimless when it comes to your course of study,
never being able to really state what it is that you

want to do,
unmotivated to go to class,
feeling like you
can't wait for your "real" life to start.


Sunday, March 26, 2006

takes a teenage riot to get me outta bed...

from sonic youth's "teenage riot" off daydream nation:

Everybody's talking 'bout the stormy weather
And what's a man do to but work out whether it's true?
Looking for a man with a focus and a temper
Who can open up a map and see between one and two


Looking for a ride to your secret location
Where the kids are setting up a free-speed nation, for you
Got a foghorn and a drum and a hammer that's rockin'
And a cord and a pedal and a lock, that'll do me for now

It better work out
I hope it works out my way
'Cause it's getting kind of quiet in my city's head
Takes a teen age riot to get me out of bed right now


So who's to take the blame for the stormy weather
You're never gonna stop all the teenage leather and booze

It's time to go round
A one man showdown
Teach us how to fail

We're off the streets now
And back on the road
On the riot trail

! yeah ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!!! ! ! !

Saturday, March 25, 2006

cheer up pic

o this picture cheers me up in so many ways.

me and my soul mate brittany mc'ing the western talent show earlier this semester.

this is exactly why western cannot go away. it helps people like me and britt find each other. i would not have met the love of my life w/out western. and that keeps people like me happy.

and what's love 'sgot to do, 'sgot to do w/ it?

o, everything.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

depression stream of consciousness

tredging toward a premature and painful demise

...that's how i feel about western and my life lately

and it's too bad, cause i feel like i'm witnessing it all happen and i am only able to watch, no control over the situation at all.

i've been depressed, really sad and low-energy and have been kinda slumpy/droopy lately.

blame it on the weather, i guess. or the damned soul-less provost.

anyway, i can't decide whether i should change my major to math, b/c i really miss doing it and really desire to. but i feel it's too late to make the switch. which is too bad, b/c i really think i might be happier if i could. i would be content to do math the rest of my life.

and i feel i am not nearly as smart as i wish i were, or even as much as i used to be.

i've spent like a whole week and a half reading and analyzing this paper on lesbian representation and sexual indifference and still don't really understand it and am running out of patience w/ myself and am frustrated w/ the writing process and don't want to deal w/ it any more.

i feel that i have exhausted my usefullness in life and am ready for the mother ship to come and get me and take me home now.

i just don't see how i can further contribute to any thing any more than i have already.

i've reached my limit.

and i have nothing to look forward to any more.

i mean, i've experienced a great deal already and i feel that i've done a lot of the things i have set out to do, the things i really value, and that i've accomplished a lot. don't get me wrong, i am actually quite happy w/ myself and my life. that's the problem, really, when you look at it. it's that i feel i've lived a whole lifetime already and now i feel i'm done. i think i could die now w/out really regretting not doing something, or feeling like "o damn, i wish i had..."

i just feel that my life has reached its capacity, or as much of it as i can imagine, and when i look into the future there's really nothing i can see there, and i can't imagine myself getting to be older than this anyway. i mean, i've always known i'm not gonna live past 40 anyway, so this seems about right.

i'm middle-aged now, and i can feel it, starting in my face.

o world, you are such a strange place.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

conversation piece

hello, readership.

my friend brenton has been a real pal to me lately and i thought it would be nice to do this post for him. i don't normally do this sort of thing (that is, posting special messages for special individuals in a public setting), but i don't see why not. and, poor guy, he's actually been enjoying the blog more than i can understand or explain. (that's what happens i guess when i find a fan, silly public posts for specific individual's enjoyment). anyway, the contents of this post would have been in my email but i thought it'd be interesting to post for wider reading. and besides, it's kinda funny.

so, brenton, this one is for you. and all the others as well.

BFF (as always, but alas, i guess that's implied),

BREEEEENTON!! ! !!! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !1 !1 ! !! !
I'm glad that my blog posts have inspired all sorts of exciting things for you to say, and I can't wait to hear you say them, I am excited to listen! And maybe even talk back!

Word on the street is I've become really reticent lately and people (that is, more than one person) don't find conversation with me too enjoyable, which is too bad, but what can I do, you know? I feel bad that people haven't liked talking to me lately but I don't really know what to do about it. If I'm not that easy/ fun/ exciting/ interesting to talk to, I don't see what I can do that will make things different, especially if I hadn't realized this before other people pointed it out to me. Though I do miss the company. And chatting with people can be so pleasant, given the right setting. It's really an enjoyable experience if you're with the right people. But then again, I'm finding that people tend to overrate it.

Maybe if I took up some exciting/ dangerous hobby I would become a better conversationalist. Perhaps knife-throwing. Or bull-fighting. Or cock-fighting. Or basket-weaving. Or extreme underwater treasure-hunting. I'm sure if pressed, I could manage some friendly back-and-forth about my near-death experiences in any one of these areas. And if not, I could always revert to the usual casual fodder: the weather, sports, latest movies, gossip and the like. Though that stuff is really such boring dreck.

Though, I do feel the weather has been widely mistreated as a topic of conversation and I demand a reconsideration of its merits. I mean, let's just take a moment to contemplate the weather lately. The global climate change, the general warming, the increasing extremities (summers keep getting hotter and winters keep getting colder), the doomsday predictions from James Lovelock, the fantastic hurricane season we just witnessed (which is by no means intended to be disrespectful to Katrina victims).

I mean, really, there's a lot of potential there. But I guess not everyone finds that sort of thing appealing.

Thus, I suck at conversation.

Oh messy messy life.

With all its messy necessary interactions...

Friday, March 17, 2006

live from the road to chicago!

hello, readership.

blogbuefi is on the road in the next 24 hours, via indiana(polis) to chicago.

one thing about travelling, really gets me down, is having to stop to eat. i hate the feeling i get when i pull into the parking lot of a roadside diner or truckstop and have to force myself to buy some food when i feel so depressed just thinking about my surroundings and the act of buying food from such an establishment. it makes me lose my appetite altogether and wish i never had to eat.

it just makes me so aware of where my food is coming from and the fact that it's exchanged so many hands and is so far removed from the earth at that point that you might as well call it man-made.

puts me in a real existential funk. that's why i hate travelling in general really.

nothing real, everything transient, packaged for transience, immediacy and convenience.

nothing real, nothing to base a friendship on, fleeting glances and speeding window strangers passing on interstate gliding dew in windshield crusty birdshit scratching whirring to chicago...

125 miles to go.


Thursday, March 16, 2006

chicago and the greater beyond

<--- i might work in one of these buildings over the summer! let's just wait and see which one...

well, i'm off to chicago tonight.

it's funny, this trip was so last minute, i don't even know what to pack. i'm standing in my room thinking to myself, hm, i don't even have a jacket. and it's supposed to be like 36 degrees there, and it being the windy city and all, i'm thinking i might not last long, especially since i don't really have anywhere to stay (apparently people under a certain age aren't allowed to get rooms in motels, but there's supposed to be a youth hostel somewhere, i've yet to determine where). note to the readership: i'm really bad at traveling. if we ever agree to go on a roadtrip, which i hope we do, really and truly, it would have to be totally spontaneous.

i hadn't planned on going to chicago over break. so it's funny that i'm going at all, since i basically just decided last night, and as i'm packing my bag, there's really not a whole lot i'm bringing with me. it's like a sleepover, or an overnight, well, i guess it really is an overnight, quite literally. just there for the evening, up early and to my two interviews with my prospective future employers (wttw and wbez), then back on the road again.

it's kinda thrilling in a way, and knowing that i will soon have plans finalized for the summer is great. it seems so surreal to me that chicago, this place i've only visited transiently, this city with such a rich history and reputation, this tourist-y destination, will soon become a home.

awe and splendor,

Monday, March 13, 2006

sweet ass van (redux) / spring break post

happy belated spring break eve, everyone!

this is the time of year most young people traditionally use to spend in tropical locales, sunning poolside and drinking kahlua while getting rubbed down by the towel boy at some luxe resort their parents' friends happen to own.

not me, though (and i'm perfectly ok with that, thanks). i'm spending most of my break at home i think, working on the three or so papers i have been putting off due to illness, fatigue, the western program disaster, and my generally waning level of interest in schoolwork.

that and stressing out about my internships for the summer. i don't know when i'm going to have the time to head up there for interviews now. yikes, time is definitely running out. o, and my program coordinator informed me yesterday that my applications were somehow lost in the mail, which means she faxed incomplete app.'s to my future employers instead. yeesh, nothing is going right.

plus, i'm not sure i'm the good student/ smart person i used to think i was. i don't know what it is, but i can tell you i wish i were half the brilliant i used to be. at least, i hear i was smart. i wonder what happened... all those "drunken" nights? or it must have been the music. too much head-banging shook it outta me.

anyway, before i freak myself the hell out just remembering all there is to stress out about, i offer you, the readership, the spring breakin' van:

his name is murphy and he takes you to magical places, such as west palms, florida, where you can forget your school-related worries and turn all that troubled energy instead to figuring out what the hell you're gonna do when florida is suddenly swallowed up by the sea and all you've got is a huge ass 1979 volkswagon westfalia camper with retractable banana-tinted awning to cling to for your life's sake.

uh-huh. yeah.

but it sure beats schoolwork, right?

enjoy the spbreakin', kids.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

ted leo and the pharmacists!

i got a fever!

and the only prescription, is more ted leo.

i can't believe i almost skipped out on last night's ted leo concert in newport, ky because of a little flu. psssh, silly me, i shoulda known that ted leo and his band of merry do-gooders have the kinda musicalability to make anyone feel better.

as ted launched into "me and mia," i found myself totally lost in a somatic energy surge and whigged out to the band's phenomenal guitar riffs, defying even my own understanding of my body as i sustained a three-hour bodily rejoicing, in a smokey, crowded, smoltering club that would have rendered me wheezing, fighting for breath only an hour before.

it was the kind of concert that, had i been into music when ted leo first came on the DC scene in the early 90's with his political punk band chisel, would have been nostalgic and youthful and energetic and punky enough to make me remember the good ol' days and say, "o, it was like being a kid again."

check out leo's website for some audio samples (esp. "me and mia," "ghosts," and "walking through") to get your fix.

and my gift to you (by way of ted leo's gifts) is an mp3 of his new song, la costa brava (hosted by

enjoy and rock on as always

Friday, March 10, 2006

friend spotlight

have i mentioned how lucky i am to have friends?

i know that sounds incredibly silly, but given my subpar physical health in the last few days, i've been less than half my chipper, happy self.
and it's made me sad, because it makes my friends sad (my friend dylan said that he was sad to see me "so opposite normal stephanie," as in, low energy and quiet)

but lately i've cheered up quite a bit.
sure, the drugs have something to do with it, but then there's also the realization that the people i've been lucky enough to make friends with here are so caring and fun and downright amazing, that i can't help but swell with joy and gratitude for their company.

if i listed all the wonderful people who have made such a difference in my life, those people who inspired this post, well, it could and would go on forever.

but i'll let one of these people speak for himself. brenton calaway sent me this hilarious email which really cheered me up this morning, and i thought i should share at least a part of it, because it's funny:

I'm sorry to hear about your bodies inundation with disease, I'll be
praying for you! I think that might be my new favorite thing to tell
people, "I'll be praying for you!" hehehe, Thats almost kind of a
veiled insult, it has that implicit suggestion that for some reason you
need "prayed for." I mean what can be worse than to need to be prayed
for. "The doctor says that all we can do now is pray." I means that's
not what you want to hear. But at the same time to pray for someone is
considered a nice gesture, it's kind of like giving someone a gift they
don't really want, "it was a nice thought and all but I really don't
need an ugly oven mitt."

yes, brenton, that's exactly how i feel as well.

you can read more from brenton at his blog, which can be found under my "friends" links in the sidebar to the right.

link up!

Thursday, March 09, 2006

collapsing into crevices i have dug deep

i am sick.
like, i'm actually getting attention from people... because i'm sick!

this never happens.

i am usually the spitting image of health.

my head has filled with fluids from not sleeping in... wow 35 hours.

and surpringly i am not tired.

i could function in class.

i felt aware.

i've made several presentations today and stayed awake all day, no naps. no dozing off.

i'm incredibly zoned.

but my body aches

feels like it's breaking

and my skin screams when i touch it

and i shiver, got the chills.

and i still have a paper,

been darting back and forth organizing different groups around an action.

i'm exhausted but i don't feel it

except for the sinking in my head that feels like it's waiting to spill over at the top and soak me in everything

Tuesday, March 07, 2006


a call to arms (sent to the western college community via listserv)

Friends, family, peers, and mentors:

I have just come from one of my junior sem's, and I have horrible,
enraging news. I don't know whether I possess the authority or facts to
make this statement in such a public space, but, well, frankly I don't
even care...

Western is in trouble. As in, it might not exist after this year. What I
and a few others have just learned is that the president and the provost
are making an appearance at an EC meeting on the 24th of March, and that
the purpose of their visit will be anything but friendly. They will most
likely be stopping by to lay a death blow to our program, and our
community as we know it.

I know there's been a lot of back-and-forth regarding the termination of
the program, and that all of that has mostly been hypothetical
considerations about the end, but sadly, the day was closer than any of us
could have possibly expected.

Dean Gracie has been rudely ignored by those in the know regarding our
program's future, and it's time we did something to make our voices heard.
As a member of SFS, I have learned the hard way, first-hand, how
incredibly aversive the administration can be in regards to taking up an
open dialogue with concerned members of any group regarding university
policy, but we need to change that.

The termination of Western would mean any one who is not currently ready
to graduate in May will need to find a new major next year and complete a
new program of study, which could mean a few extra years for some of us
(how sly and pernicious of the university's administration to do this in a
budget crisis when switching people's majors on them could inevitably mean
more years of tuition from their clients)

This is a pressing issue, and I cannot even begin to describe my outrage
at the administration for their disrespect for our interests as a
community. Those committees they established to look at the Strategic
Plan? Fake. Like the Fact Finder report or any other trustable outside
source the administration has been presented with, they simply discounted
it. Shrugged it off.

I'm writing to all of you now because we need to organize. And SOON! The
24th is the Friday after Spring Break, and we need to make a public
impact, a show of solidarity, we need to put up a valiant fight before
then to ensure the future of our program (let's not forget that this also
affects our cherished faculty!)

Robyn will send out an email regarding a meeting tomorrow (and possibly
Thurs) evening to discuss what's going on in further depth. Please make a
concerted effort to attend. We are in panic mode and need to do everything
in our power to make sure nothing happens to our beloved community.

Furthermore, I will be organizing community actions that will take place
that week after spring break. But I'll save details for the meeting later.

Hope to see you tomorrow and the next day!


Saturday, March 04, 2006

so this is what a hangover feels like?

kids, don't drink alcohol.

it kills brain cells.

truthfully yours,

friday night searching for something i've yet to find

i'm so unsatisfied with my friday night/early saturday morning

though by all indications i shouldn't be

by most standards it was a pretty fun night

allow me to recount:

spent most of my early evening working on projects and other stuff (doing a content analysis of media from the past 20 years for depictions of race and stereotypes)

went to rec, took a refreshing shower and then met friends uptown for dinner. walked uptown while reading a book, something i've found myself doing a lot of lately: walking and reading at once. i'm quite good at it (so far, no collisions). it's great cause i don't have to deal with staring people down on the sidewalk any more.

spent most of my free cognitive energy craving and devising ways to obtain a coffee and a glass of some sort of crisp wine to drink with dinner. this was weird b/c i don't normally drink coffee nor wine, but had them both at dinner the night before (gotta love the university for asking me to one of their formal invitational dinners and then getting me absolutely boozed up, haha).

had dinner. took an hour and a half, good grief. i read. and schemed more (i really wanted that coffee and wine!)

had a cafe mocha with amaretto shots(!). not only did i get away with ordering an alcoholic drink, i also took the mug with me (i figure this place gets their mugs from garage sales and i left a big enough tip AND the coffee was way overpriced anyway, i might as well. plus, if i start to feel bad, i'll just return it)

went to dave brubeck concert. it was great, though the choral numbers kinda were a turn off. and they definitely took away from the jazz quartet (ol' dave plays a mean piano. and the sax player was amazing! i love jazz, it must be the npr dork coming out in me...)

then my friends chris, maraya and brenton and i went out to buy some drinks for a party we spontaneously decided to have at brenton's house (brenton throws the best house parties, i always have the best time at brenton's parties. i usually end up trying a whole lot of random drinks i never would have otherwise and end up dancing and laughing and hopping around all night until i'm dizzy with laughter and spirits.)

we settled on having vodka with smoked fish and pickles, as we heard the russians do, and we enjoyed it. then chris and brenton and i decided to taste test the vodka and i learned a lot about alcohol and determining quality vodka. and i decided that vodka, no matter the quality, still tastes and burns like rubbing alcohol. i'm sorry but it's true.

then we played guitar and ran around in the cold.

ok, so it was a good night, but it could have been better. i wish i knew how to make things better.

looking for housing in chicago

i will be interning in chicago this summer

and as of yet have no place to stay

would anyone out there be willing to offer me a space?

could be small (all i need is floor space)
as long as it's dry and warm.

i don't fuss
keep neat
quiet if need be
fun and like to dance

make a good neighbor and friend (really!)

please drop me a line if you or anyone you know has a place i could stay for the summer (and for spring break too, for that matter, as i will be swinging by to interview and check out the area and don't want to stay in a hotel by myself. too depressing... even for me).

i'd water your plants, feed the dog, spruce up the paint jobs, whatever and everything all at once.

in need of a home,