writing to know, knowing thru being, being for writing... this is me, writing about the one thing i know, which is myself... and even that is sometimes a mystery...

Thursday, March 23, 2006

depression stream of consciousness

tredging toward a premature and painful demise

...that's how i feel about western and my life lately

and it's too bad, cause i feel like i'm witnessing it all happen and i am only able to watch, no control over the situation at all.

i've been depressed, really sad and low-energy and have been kinda slumpy/droopy lately.

blame it on the weather, i guess. or the damned soul-less provost.

anyway, i can't decide whether i should change my major to math, b/c i really miss doing it and really desire to. but i feel it's too late to make the switch. which is too bad, b/c i really think i might be happier if i could. i would be content to do math the rest of my life.

and i feel i am not nearly as smart as i wish i were, or even as much as i used to be.

i've spent like a whole week and a half reading and analyzing this paper on lesbian representation and sexual indifference and still don't really understand it and am running out of patience w/ myself and am frustrated w/ the writing process and don't want to deal w/ it any more.

i feel that i have exhausted my usefullness in life and am ready for the mother ship to come and get me and take me home now.

i just don't see how i can further contribute to any thing any more than i have already.

i've reached my limit.

and i have nothing to look forward to any more.

i mean, i've experienced a great deal already and i feel that i've done a lot of the things i have set out to do, the things i really value, and that i've accomplished a lot. don't get me wrong, i am actually quite happy w/ myself and my life. that's the problem, really, when you look at it. it's that i feel i've lived a whole lifetime already and now i feel i'm done. i think i could die now w/out really regretting not doing something, or feeling like "o damn, i wish i had..."

i just feel that my life has reached its capacity, or as much of it as i can imagine, and when i look into the future there's really nothing i can see there, and i can't imagine myself getting to be older than this anyway. i mean, i've always known i'm not gonna live past 40 anyway, so this seems about right.

i'm middle-aged now, and i can feel it, starting in my face.

o world, you are such a strange place.


  • At 9:25 AM, March 25, 2006, Blogger The ZenFo Pro said…

    Damn, girl. What you need is a bit of a break. Relax. Breathe in, breathe out...

    Who the hell wants to be dead by 40? Me, life will have to kill me, because I refuse to go quietly into that good night...


    - J.

  • At 11:16 AM, March 25, 2006, Blogger Ogbuefi Stephi said…


    that's what i'm saying though, that i can imagine expending a whole life time's worth of energy and passion before i'm forty.

    and then, well, it will finally be time for a break.

    it's depressing and morbid, but i think it actually stems from that idea, of not going quietly into the night.

  • At 5:41 PM, March 26, 2006, Blogger Brenton Calaway said…

    Ummm, I need to email you... my comment got to long, also I need to read you a story. You've likely already read it, but I need to read it to you, it's very important!

  • At 5:49 PM, March 26, 2006, Blogger Ogbuefi Stephi said…


    i'm going crazy. i've been working on this paper for over two days straight and i am not even done w/ the intro yet and it's killing me!

    i'm convinced this paper really is literally and completely killing me.

    and i had plans to die whilst attempting the unassisted climb to the top of everest!

    damn you, lesbian lit class.
    you are my everest...


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