writing to know, knowing thru being, being for writing... this is me, writing about the one thing i know, which is myself... and even that is sometimes a mystery...

Saturday, April 29, 2006

subsumed into the subculture

i finished my sophomore research project last night!

i wish i were more excited about being done with it... well perhaps i haven't fully finished until i ruminate on human nature and devise my own philosophy...

work is never done

but hey you can enjoy the partial product of my labor, if not out of interest for the project that consumed a quarter of my academic life this past semester, then because, as my teammate tom said:
it's worth the watch, even if
just to hear Stephanie curse like a sailor.
so, i present: a movie/documentary about the LAN gaming subculture, and its negotiation of reality,

[a sophomore research project submitted for review by Tom, Denise & me,
in partial fulfillment of WCP 262 (the Human Nature Seminar) requirements]

yo ho yo ho, the pirate's/sailor's life for me,

Thursday, April 27, 2006

climbing my everest

finals week will mess you up!

i mapped out my life from now until december and it looks pretty shitty to me

as in, no free time/ rest time/ non-working time to speak of

no empty space in sight

like seriously, it's constant work until the end of school, maybe a week or two at home then off to chicago to embark on some crazy internships for the whole of summer, then back to school to begin a crazy junior year.

ack and a half batman!

in other news, as a result of a crazy research paper/ project/ presentation/ final exam combination of inhuman proportions, i have had inhuman and ungodly amounts of caffeine today.

and i am not used to the substance abuse.

bad time to start a habit i won't be able to kick.

we're talking 10 cups today. imbibed in a 10-hour period. that's a pretty steady flow of caffeine thru the bloodstream, i think i am pissing coffee at this point.

and my arm feels kinda funny.

like i couldn't grip my fork at dinner

and i kinda have trouble getting it to type now too

gotta shake it off though

i'm switching to chai now, is there caffeine in that?

o man, i am wigging out!

is that the phrase i'm thinking of? prize goes to the reader that can tell me the phrase i am trying to think of... i don't think wig out is it... [4.27.06 / 3:36pm - is it wired? i am so wired right now... ?]


Sunday, April 23, 2006

life in pictures

look how happy i look...

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

rage against the machine


i am so angry!!!

hope i don't jump out any windows or do something i'll regret,

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

the magic hour

a wonderful moment of simple existence and pause
dusk = the magic hour, when sunlight shines orange pink on skin
when else are you made aware of the light's colors?

pleasurably existing, if only momentarily,

sitting by wide open window at sill i see the sun going down
the wisps of a breezy sunny independent day sweeping clouds and feathery smoke ash memories across my forehead face and hair brushes against my cheeks
the coming of the summer waves music to my mind and floats limbs streaming toward sky, delicate blue and mirrored
remembering ice cream sundays and promenades and sticky cotton sleeves clinging dry crusty sand n dirt between toes, the taste of sweat across my face and beading down my back the salty contact
sandpaper hands n grease grill fragrant evenings
in this suspended here and after, this lingering between night and day
a moment can bring such pleasure to existence
as i listen contentedly to cheering birds circle lilac tinted forests and lawnmowers droning humming stirring dirt n yellow pollen sky, creamy apricot horizon sun sinking suddenly into gentle goodbye

enough pause and restful wonder in a moment
to remind me to continue to live

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

LITERATURE AS WAR MACHINE: subverting male literary tradition with innovative linguistic forms

oh. man. am. i.
e. x. h. a. u. s. t. e. d.

i've been writing papers all week/weekend/day/night...

i can't tell furniture from empty space any more. (ooo an opening!... mm no a door. read: face-plant)

but i did just write a pretty fantastic paper! yeah, check out the title up top there! wrote it about monique wittig, who i've decided i want to eat dinner with more than most people...

i just hope she would want to eat dinner w/ me after this paper i wrote...

so apologies, i'm sure no one out there really cares to read it, but i don't give a flying bat's wing, cuz i think it's pretty good myself, and that's saying something cuz i haven't liked anything i wrote in a loooooong time, and if i am going to put as much energy and time into something as i did wi this, then you betchurass i'm gonna post it, considering how little time i spend on the other drivel that goes up here...

now i'm all riled up and angry and ready to storm the castle walls!

happy insurrections!

excerpts from my paper:
removed (4.15.06) so as to prevent plagiarism of my hard work

Friday, April 07, 2006


ostensibly amusing

i have been really really busy lately. the western campaign finally came to a conclusion for me today, and, by the looks of it, i have been wasting my time wisely ever since:

1) i decided on a whim to cut my own hair. it's about 1.5-2 inches shorter, depending. and i actually like it!

2) i found some pictures from earlier this year on the writing center computer that must have been taken during some happy theatre fest. by the looks of it, from when i practiced my final performance for a friend and he thought it a good idea to picture it

3) i had some fun playing w/ the camera on the iMac. k's worth of computer technology in the writing center at our disposal and the most fascinating thing is a computer that stares and projects back at you. go figure.

ostensibly amused,

Thursday, April 06, 2006

close up




Sunday, April 02, 2006

for cal

now, i don't normally cry.

ask any one i know, and they will tell you, it takes a lot to draw tears from my eyes.

the closest i get is when i am so tired i can't stop yawning and my eyes start watering.

i seriously don't cry. it's not that i am dead inside, i just don't show emotion that way any more.

but i cried today.

and i hate to use this to quantify/qualify my sadness and despondency, b/c i think that exploits and perverts the nature of many things, but i think it needs to be said, b/c for me, it signifies a huge change in my emotional state, my way of realizing things, my way of dealing w/ things...

b/c i feel so hopeless. that's what crying is for me: a physiological last resort, an acknowledgment of powerlessness.

my mom told me about some stuff that's happening w/ my brother, calvin, back home, stuff i had no idea about, and it made me realize:

i've been so selfish, so insensitive
i've been a horrible sister
i've been a horrible daughter
i've been a horrible person

i got so self-centered, so self-involved, so prideful and stubborn, so pig-headed (that's a word my brother taught me, actually)... so so so

in an attempt to begin the righting of wrongs, in an attempt to acknowledge my guilt and my sorrow, i write this post for calvin.

my brother, my hero,
i have more faith in you than you know.

love you, kiddo.

my brother