blOgbuefi

writing to know, knowing thru being, being for writing... this is me, writing about the one thing i know, which is myself... and even that is sometimes a mystery...

Sunday, April 02, 2006

for cal



now, i don't normally cry.

ask any one i know, and they will tell you, it takes a lot to draw tears from my eyes.

the closest i get is when i am so tired i can't stop yawning and my eyes start watering.

i seriously don't cry. it's not that i am dead inside, i just don't show emotion that way any more.

but i cried today.

and i hate to use this to quantify/qualify my sadness and despondency, b/c i think that exploits and perverts the nature of many things, but i think it needs to be said, b/c for me, it signifies a huge change in my emotional state, my way of realizing things, my way of dealing w/ things...

b/c i feel so hopeless. that's what crying is for me: a physiological last resort, an acknowledgment of powerlessness.

my mom told me about some stuff that's happening w/ my brother, calvin, back home, stuff i had no idea about, and it made me realize:

i've been so selfish, so insensitive
i've been a horrible sister
i've been a horrible daughter
i've been a horrible person

i got so self-centered, so self-involved, so prideful and stubborn, so pig-headed (that's a word my brother taught me, actually)... so so so

in an attempt to begin the righting of wrongs, in an attempt to acknowledge my guilt and my sorrow, i write this post for calvin.

my brother, my hero,
i have more faith in you than you know.

love you, kiddo.
-steph

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