blOgbuefi

writing to know, knowing thru being, being for writing... this is me, writing about the one thing i know, which is myself... and even that is sometimes a mystery...

Thursday, July 13, 2006

!@#$%&*

sometimes i get tired of having to come up with original titles for posts each time i go to write one.

why must every post i write have a title, can't i be content just to leave it unnamed and informal?

anyway, i realized yesterday what's been bothering me: i suck at relationships.

yep, that's the whole of it. i'm all depressive and darkly mooded lately because i found out that my ex-boyfriend of the last two years is now living with this girl he's known for like a month.

ugh. my mind is in a blender.

i'm not even jealous. i bet she's cool.

nor am i sad about it. my relationship with my ex was rocky at best. though for about a half a year it was the best thing ever. we sincerely loved each other for that brief time, and i couldn't imagine myself being happier with anyone else. and then, he goes away for one week, and he hooks up with a girl and begins cheating on me until we finally gave up on trying to make things work and i left to focus on other things (saving my educational program, trying to get a living wage for miami's staff, writing poetry and working on school projects, research papers, etc.) while he continued seeing her. i saw them together uptown like a few weeks later and that pretty much was the end of it. until then, i had still even entertained the idea of taking him back, of wanting to get back together.

ever have that happen to you? it's like your heart is being ripped out. it sounds cliche, but it's so true. it's like someone took a giant set of pliers and jammed it thru my sternum and proceeded to pull it out from my chest cavity, the beating pulses like echoes in an emptiness that enlarges.

so, no formal break-up, not so much as even an explanation. it was pretty much one week we're seeing each other all the time, seeking comfort in each other's company, learning and growing into the other's life. the next, we're strangers, and i'm bitter and confused, he's blissfully (and unremorsefully) moved on.

ugh. my body is rejecting this antidote. my systems are shutting down.

i'm not even upset because he's moved on. i finally realized i don't want to be with him. i put myself thru enough shit to try to make that relationship work, so getting out of it has been a good (no, great!) thing.

it's that i'm so pissed because he's moving on fine and i'm having all these existential crises and i can't even decide what to do with my life (writer? journalist? novelist? poet? film-maker? graphic designer? politician? activist? teacher? business woman??) , can't decide what i want to study (math? english? psychology? film studies? art? interior design? fashion? political science? communications? business??)

can't even decide where i want to live (france? canada? chicago? lexington, ky? oxford??) or where to go (here? there? stay? go??)

ugh. my body's vomiting. it's rejecting everything inside.

see, the problem is, the one area i thought i was ok at was in being a decent person, being a pleasant person, a happy bubbly and optimistic person. i thot i had good relationships with my friends and family. but my romantic relationships have successfully changed the nature of my other relationships, something i am so sad to admit and realize.

so i'm having to own up to the fact that i suck at being with people.

and i can't decide if i want to be with someone or if i will be content to be alone the rest of my life.

it seems the only person who will put up with me is my self, and that's only because she can't avoid it. i'm sure she'd want to leave me too if she could find a way.

ugh.
-stephanie

1 Comments:

  • At 1:35 PM, July 13, 2006, Blogger brian said…

    I hear Florida is nice. Sorry. I know when I am in a mood, I vant to be alone. I know, I know, but I use humor to get myself through the darkness.

    Have you tried the dartboard yet? Things will get better, you just need to time and space.

    Your friend Brian.

    This is my word verification

    PJMPCEY- sounds like an underground club. :)

     

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