blOgbuefi

writing to know, knowing thru being, being for writing... this is me, writing about the one thing i know, which is myself... and even that is sometimes a mystery...

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

occupational hazards of being a young adult at the crux of her life, confronting her disenchantment and her (im)possible future

i'm getting another intolerable wave of depression lately.

i get these crippling episodes of self-doubt and rage every now and then. they've been increasing in frequency lately though, so i suspect if they worsen in degree and magnitude, i shall have to seek the help and guidance of an existential doctor.

here's the thing:
my skin is falling off,
my hair is falling out
my teeth hurt
my joints ache

i hate my body
i hate my face
i'm going blind
i'm going deaf
i'm getting dim

can't write
can't sing
can't dance
can't play

no visions
no material
no calling
no purpose or drive

no friends
no family
no sense of self or being
no home
no in-between

the earth is just the place i live
and my body is just a casing

i want to jump out of my skin.
i'm so sick
and so tiring...

i feel like i've failed at everything
and only tried the baby steps
while climbing too high altitudes.

someone save me from myself.
i think i've fallen to sinking.


see, i've been living by myself all summer, and though i despised it before and was scared to live alone (i've never done it before) i find that now, i'm quite content to be my only companion. i find myself (or my many selves) to be quite reasonable company on one of my dark moods. or one of my crazy happy ones.

the thing is, i've discovered that after only 8 weeks living alone, i've become a misanthrope. it's true. i've given up on trying to please people. it's too difficult and requires too much effort and care on my part. pleasing so many people, playing to their wishes and desires, their devious little thoughts, trying to avoid trouble or misunderstanding... all these things are sooooo taxing. and it's sometimes such a waste of time. and energy. and i don't eat a lot these days, so i'm low on energy. in fact, the starship stephanie is encountering an energy crisis lately because i'm losing my energetic fizz. i suppose the summer's made my effervescence stale.

bubbly i no longer am. instead, i'm quite the cold and bitter shadow of a person i used to be. i used to humor people and make conversation easily. i used to strike out for the nearest social contact, heading to the bar, or a concert, or the park, or even the subway, talking to any stranger who would turn an ear my way.

but after a summer festering in my solitude with only myself and my thoughts for company, i suppose i've learned to talk to myself and respond back quite sufficiently.

so here's the deal:
i've forgotten how to love people.

it's true. i've always thought humans to be an inferior species, but now i'm actually finding my behavior corresponds.

so what to do? i desperately want to learn to love people again, but i can't.

the rejected has now learned to reject.

what now?
-stephanie

5 Comments:

  • At 12:56 AM, July 12, 2006, Blogger Ray "Raedien" Devine said…

    I've spent my life trying to be the person you "were." All it got me was pain. I wish I could help you but I really don't know how...

     
  • At 12:11 PM, July 12, 2006, Blogger The ZenFo Pro said…

    Hey Steph!

    It's tough, but it sounds like you're going through some emotional growing pains. Been going hrough a few of my own lately....quite the recluse this summer.

    Running into weird shit with exes all over the place ain't helping much, and neither is Oxford :(

    I just write it off as a learning experience, a time to learn and to study and to plan. Try to look at the bright side....there are tons of your peers here completely uncomfortable even being alone, much less learning the value of solitude. Being a bit of a "loner" helps keep you independent, your mind clear and liberated.

    Honestly, I think what you're learning in ChiTown is helping you probably more than you know. You have the type of personality that says "fuck the herd, I'll follow my heart."

    Chica, that's your most endearing trait.


    Later,
    JAson

     
  • At 12:34 PM, July 12, 2006, Blogger Ogbuefi Stephi said…

    hey ray and j.
    thanks guys for the kind words. i don't know what's going on with me lately, but i hope it resolves itself in a kind and happy way.

    ray:
    i don't know what kind of person you were trying to become, or what kind of person i "was." but i hope that you and i both figure out what we want to be, and that we succeed happily.

    j:
    geez, i know what that ex thing must be like. i'm really not looking forward to coming back and have to deal with this shit... AGAIN! i am having the worst luck with all this... maybe that's part of the problem. i can't decide if i want to be with someone or if i will be content to be alone the rest of my life. holy shit, i think i figured it out! that's what's been bugging me, i don't know if this loneliness/bitterness dark mood is just a phase, but i'm worried it's not going to go away...

    huh...
    -steph
    miss you.
    -steph

     
  • At 12:41 PM, July 12, 2006, Blogger brian said…

    Hi Steph,

    This post is very deep and I hear all those things you are trying to say. Since I have started to read your blog, I know come toknow you as a wonderful, talented, caring, and as your videos show, beautiful woman. As you know from reading my blog, I also prefer to be alone. I love being with Diane, but for the rest, well, I have struggled with expectations my whole life. If I choose to share myself with someone, such as yourself, then I do that because I want to, not because society expects me to be sociable. I am here for you anytime you need to talk. Now that, believe that.
    Your friend, Brian

     
  • At 12:56 PM, July 12, 2006, Blogger brian said…

    That was supposed to say "I have come to know you". My typing and grammer are sometimes bizzare. Sometimes! Yah right!

     

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