writing to know, knowing thru being, being for writing... this is me, writing about the one thing i know, which is myself... and even that is sometimes a mystery...

Thursday, September 28, 2006

!@#$%&* = my thursday nights

okay, a little rant and then to sleep...

so, i finally got away from the radio station. as in, they finally let me quit my shitty thursday night shift, a shift which came right after film class, meaning no rest, no dinner, and late nights, and having to listen to HawkTawk (augh...) and the impossibility of work or play. not a huge deal, but i was really glad to get my thursday nights back. especially due to my recent ailment.

anyway, i was milling around trying to get various things done: laundry, reading (i picked up a sweet book for an EDL 761 class that i've been wanting to read so much!!), showering, eating, relaxing and then getting in the right mood to finally take my much-needed meds (i've put it off due to the drowsy side effects, which i've needed to put off b/c of all the work i had)

one thing about my thursdays is that i am also supposed to work at the writing center on those days, which sucks, for a number of reasons, many of them which i will expound upon now...

ok, there are these two ppl who have really been pissing me off (and here's the cat out of the bag with a rabid mrooooooowr: Nate Smith and Alle Foster. if you work or study at miami, and i'm sure at least one of you out there does ;-), you can look them up and understand...) they are dating, obviously. the weird thing is that nate, i swear, liked me last year. or at least, there was a period of time in which he spent an unjustifiably lot of time with me when he should have been with alle and i could have been with my significant other of the time.

anyway, it was awkward b/c he would want to hang out and read poetry to me and go out to eat and stuff, and it was this intimate stuff that came out of no where that bothered me mostly b/c it blindsided me and made me awkward (does he like me? is he cheating on his girlfriend with me? does alle know? W. T. FFFFFF????!!!???!?) it all made me very uncomfortable, and now that i think about it, this all seems so unnecessary.

but nate and i were friends of sorts. he gave me food and stuff and we talked about all sorts of things, and oddly, we would talk about our own relationships (me about justin, him about alle. though what i got out of it was that he and alle had hit a rough spot and were trying to break up, albeit unsuccessfully). we also chatted over the summer and made plans to discuss our reading and writing, and he promised to teach me the guitar (liar. bastard.)

recently though, nate and his gf have been acting awfully strange around me. they have been really rude and have been ignoring me on purpose or going out of their way to avoid me. nate, for example, changed his shift on thursdays at the writing center so we wouldn't be in there at the same time. and on my first thursday, when i showed up late due to the station, he left a mean note on the door that said "the center had to close early because the WORKER that was supposed to be here wasn't. sorry. -nate" and when i emailed him later to apologize, he ignored me. and then when things get worse, and he and his girlfriend are both in the center ignoring me, i wrote him an email:

hey nate.

so, do you have a problem with me or something?

because if you do, you should just talk to me about it, rather than skirt the issue and continue avoiding me. it makes things weird, you know?


he ignored that also.

so now, i've given up trying to understand the problem, and am content to let them hate me for reasons i am unaware of (i believe i was the victim of HIS advances, and not the other way around. i certainly did NOT reciprocate the feelings.)

well, this all relates to my thursday night because instead of lying in bed, watching films for film class and finally taking those muscle relaxants, i was working until 1:30 am in the writing center, tryig to grade all the thirty something first year midterm papers BY MYSELF because alle and nate "had to run" and go back up stairs to her room (which, btw, is right next door to my dorm room) and proceed to hang out the rest of the night, while i, neck braced and wincing with muscle spasm pains, suffered through the worst evening of work in recent memory.

so, in light of the evening i just had:


Tuesday, September 26, 2006

so there was cause for concern

it's called torticollis

and according to my school's student health center, it's stress-related.

o good. one more thing to stress about.

spacing out with the help of muscle relaxants

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

i'm concerned about my health


i've been writing more screenplays and movie ideas lately. more than actual papers and applications for school. ;-(

the problem is i'm enjoying the idea of these mini-films so much, it will just kill me if i don't actually do the ideas justice and make them into actual films.

the problem is i don't have the time and resources to shoot a film, not even a short. but i want to so much! if i only had access to resources and no other obligations, i think i would be content merely to work with film for the rest of my life...

but shucks. i'm stuck here at miami and i have a business class to waste my energy in.

Monday, September 18, 2006

mail recruiter

got this in the mail today, thought it was ostensibly amusing, considering that the only way they could have possibly gotten my email was if miami sold it to them for a pence or two.



1335 Dublin Road, Suite 214-D

Columbus, Ohio 43215-1025



Dear Student

The U.S. Army offers Full scholarships to Medical and Dental School , in addition to paying you over $18,000 per year in stipends and income. Imagine completing your last two, three or four years of Medical School without taking out any more student loans while earning an annual stipend.

The Army’s Health Professions Scholarship Program, or HPSP, provides full payment of all required tuition and fees, reimbursement of required books, expendable supplies, and equipment for the duration of Medical School (up to four years). Additionally, you will receive a monthly stipend of $1,319 for 10 ½ months per year. For the other 45 days each year, you will receive the full pay and allowances of an Army Officer in the rank of Second Lieutenant. After completion of your 2nd, 3rd, or 4th year of Medical School , you will have the opportunity to perform clinical rotations at some of the Army’s most prestigious medical facilities in Hawaii , Washington , Texas , Washington D.C. , Georgia and many other locations. Your obligation for this scholarship package is one year on active duty in the Army Medical Department for every year of sponsorship, upon completion of training with a minimum of three year’s payback.

To apply for the HPSP program, you must meet all basic eligibility criteria. First, you must be an U.S. citizen and be enrolled full time or have a letter of acceptance from an accredited Medical School in the United States or Puerto Rico . If you have applied to a Medical School but have not yet been accepted, you are still eligible. You must also be at least 21 years of age and be able to pass a physical examination prior to your application being submitted. This scholarship has a stringent boarding process and is limited in numbers for the entire year; so, apply early. Can you think of a better way to finance your Medical School and enter your new career virtually debt- free?

If you are interested in applying for the Health Professions Scholarship Program or would like more information, please feel free to contact the U.S. Army Health Care Recruiting Team in the Columbus Area at (614) 488-0637, Toll Free Cell: (877)655-6333 or e-mail at, , or Captain Denise Alexander at (614) 488-0637 , Toll Free (877) 655-2724 Thank you for considering a future in Army Medicine.


David M. Lowe

Staff Sergeant , USA

Columbus Health Care Team

i wonder if they even bothered to check my transcript. had they done so, they would've discovered this is a failed attempt. i am certainly not interested in medicine...

o miami. i'm so glad you are willing to sell my personal information along with other things to fund your questionable ventures. someone around here has to compromise ethics and virtue... i'm glad you're willing to do it.

rolling sixteen deep in spam because of miami everyday,

Sunday, September 17, 2006

little miss sunshine review

i saw little miss sunshine this past weekend, and let me tell you: i am disappointed.

not only because it took me so long to see it (even though i knew about it way before it made it big and became a huge hit, i was looking forward to it in post-production stages) but because it was WAAAAAY over-hyped by all my friends and anyone else who had seen it.

my opinion is, that if you are going to skimp on content, you had better make it up in style. and sadly, there was no making amends for this film.

the plot was lacking, but that wasn't what bothered me. i'm used to movies with little to no story-lines. but if you're going to rely on something besides plot to carry the film, it had better be character development or a mind-blowing style. but meh... little miss sunshine was just indie enough to get by on some minimal style points that ppl probably didn't think too hard about the flaws and were more enchanted by its superficial quirkiness.

i wanted MORE from the characters. there was so much potential for character study in the film, but that was abandoned in favor of silly gags (dead grandpa in trunk, no speaking, pushing of van, and the worst, the van horn...) why did the brother want so badly to fly jets for the air force when he seems otherwise inclined to be anti-government and free-thinking? why does olive want to be little miss sunshine so much? what is toni collette's character's job, what motivates her?

steve carrell's character had the most potential, and i must say, his performance was the most captivating of them all, but i wanted MORE! he could have done so much more with the character, it's just a shame he had so little to work with.

all in all, i was not impressed. it definitely was not as funny as it was made out to be, and it most definitely was NOT a satire (what social ill does it critique?) and what was up with all the "white trash" in california?! you won't find that many white trash in rural kentucky, much less CA.

i do have this to say though: the music was good.


Saturday, September 16, 2006

bright shiny lights

soundtrack. (patrick watson, thank you for providing the sounds to mope to)

sitting on the rooftop of my building today, i started crying.

for no reason i'm aware of, except for this overwhelming sadness that's been welling up inside me for months now.

i am deeply sad and i cannot find a way to remedy it.

but to sit and mope, alone on the roof, away from the world, watching the sun dip into the western sky and wondering what the new day will bring.

the bricks in my wall are embedded with the names and letters of people who used to live here. i wonder what they are doing now. i wonder if the sun sets on them in much the same way. i wonder if i absorb their sadness so they don't have to.

when there's no one around and there's pause enough to look around, the world seems to me such a peacefully sad place. time slows to a pace that opens up just enough for me to fit between its crevices, and there i sit with my thoughts, my pasts and presents, the shivery tremblings of an emptiness erupting.